Accelerators Included?

I ask, because I try to activate any cacheing methods aside from file or db (which aren't speeding up my site) and I get Fatal errors that says the module can't seem to use their get or fetch functions on whatever line. I'll post them here:

Fatal error: Call to undefined function apc_fetch() in /home/content/p/a/r/parentadmin/html/sites/all/modules/cacherouter/engines/apc.php on line 29

Fatal error: Call to undefined function eaccelerator_get() in /home/content/p/a/r/parentadmin/html/sites/all/modules/cacherouter/engines/eacc.php on line 29

Fatal error: Call to undefined function xcache_get() in /home/content/p/a/r/parentadmin/html/sites/all/modules/cacherouter/engines/xcache.php on line 30

Fatal error: Class 'Memcache' not found in /home/content/p/a/r/parentadmin/html/sites/all/modules/cacherouter/engines/memcache.php on line 172

Settings.php is as follows:

$conf['cache_inc'] = './sites/all/modules/cacherouter/cacherouter.inc';
$conf['cacherouter'] = array(
  'default' => array(
    'engine' => 'memcache',
    'server' => array(),
    'shared' => TRUE,
    'prefix' => '',
    'path' => 'sites/default/files/filecache',
    'static' => FALSE,
    'fast_cache' => TRUE,
  ),
);

If anyone would like to take a look at my site, it's www.sumnercountyparent.com.

Any advice for speeding the mother up, always accepted.