Mobile Theme (Why is it so hard?)

Ok... so I been racking my head trying to figure out why is it so hard to get my drupal system to show mobile devices a simple theme.

Modules I've tried:
mobileplugin, brows_cap, mobi_loader, iDrupal, iDrupal_UI

Themes I've tried:
mobile, mobi, mobile_garland

With NO LUCK.

I run another website which runs on WordPress and all I had to do was upload and activate http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/viewmobile/ that's it. And it works perfectly. The website distinguishes between desktop and mobile devices without any configuration requirements. Please Drupalers, dont' get all defensive and tell me to switch to Wordpress. I just want to be able to get this working on my Drupal website and yet with Drupal it's sooooooo hard (that's what she said).

Please can some guide me in the right direction on how I can simply upload a module that can distinguish the desktop from the mobile browser without any configuration on my part.. no domain aliases, domain mirroring, or grouping?

Please. I'm at wits end over here.

Thanks for your time.

NoteTitle edited to remove sexist language. End Note